GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
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People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
