Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.

The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*

*picks her up when she turns 20*

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…