@NicestHippo

GOD: Done! Every animal niche perfectly filled

WOODPECKERS: We didn’t get anything

GOD: Oh. Uh…just pound trees with your face

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@WheelTod

I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.

@EJGomez

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

@canadian_jane

This bar smells so bad and I can’t tell who’s homeless and who’s a hipster.

@chrisdowning

The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.

@TheBoydP

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

@Chhapiness

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

@ellenfromnowon

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE