GOD: Done! Every animal niche perfectly filled

WOODPECKERS: We didn’t get anything

GOD: Oh. Uh…just pound trees with your face

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Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.


Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.


No matter how bad your day is going, just remember that somewhere in the world someone just got a pubic hair in their coffee.


tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate


Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.


[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week


my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die


Writing tip:

Don’t mix up ethics and morals. Ethics are principles that guide your behavior, and morals are a type of mushroom.


My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.