Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
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This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Me if I was a dog
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.