I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
GOD: Done! Every animal niche perfectly filled
WOODPECKERS: We didn’t get anything
GOD: Oh. Uh…just pound trees with your face
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“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
mom can you come get me people are getting engaged
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
This bar smells so bad and I can’t tell who’s homeless and who’s a hipster.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE