Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.

Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)

Some people are hope, some people are nope.

Choose wisely.

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.

You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

.

.

A pool table

honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

me: we have developed a fear of boy bands

wife: at the same time

therapist: in sync?

together: *screams*

i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.

Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.