Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.

You also look like a bad speller.

Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.

Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.

Worm: What is it?

Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.

“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”

I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact

Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

How do I like eggs?

Ummm…in a cake!

I just made the PERFECT phone call!

My parents didn’t answer.

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate