Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With grape soda comes grape responsibility.

Date: you know that was just a filter, right?

Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions

Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.

*checks real estate listings on other planets*

Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?

Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

Me: objection your honour!

Judge : sustained

Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.

[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”

Me: ‘Goodnight.’

Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’