Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”

The library?

“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.

[moving her panties to the side]

HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.

(first date)

Her: I love Star Trek

Me: Me too!

Her: What’s your favourite part?

Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!

Them: This is a knife for cutting cake

Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake

Them:

Me: Oh

I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

“I need a woman like you in my life”

Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.

[watching Boogie Nights]

age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.

age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?

My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

My loaf of bread looks terrified