Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as producer]

superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME

me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*

“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once

13: I found a baggie of pot.

M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade

Me: Sweet!

Clerk: Exactly

me and who

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.

People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.

5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

Coworker: How’s your worksite?

Me: I can see my work fine thank you.

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.