God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
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Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend