God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
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me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
man: wait
time: no
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.