Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?

#SpinachDay

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]

sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.

BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know

All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

[1999]

“y2k” making us anxious

[2019]

“k” making us anxious

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any

me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.