Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

*alien probing me

Me: Ok a little to the left

Alien: I SAID STOP THAT

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

ME: I want a koi swimming downstream

TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?

ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-

*my phone battery dies*

ME: omg

WIFE: omg

ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me

If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.

My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

My husband is extra efficient.

He leaves cabinets open for next time.

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger

Me: I want to travel

Bank account: Where? To work?

Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.