Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free

The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed

What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.

[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?

Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.