Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)

Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.

Me: Gross.

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

genie: and for your third wish?

me: that you fall in love with me

[later]

me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.

Fight 🔥 with 🔥

Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.