Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.

Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.