Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”

[first time paying taxes]

me: how much do I owe?

irs: 🙂

me: am I supposed to guess?

irs: :)))

me: what if I guess wrong?

irs: :))))))))))))))))))

That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way

me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.

I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

911: 911

Me: I’m being chased

911: in your car?

Me: no in theirs

911: wh—

Me: how do I turn the sirens on?

Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”