Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now

Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.

I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.

“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you

[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I

Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?

My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

mathematically impossible

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1484576971338272773/pu/vid/1280x720/FS7vSBM7xR3ddkw6.mp4?tag=12

a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”

My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy

I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.