Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

I would like even faster food.

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?

Person 2: I did

Person 1: what’s he like?

Person 2: so tender and mild

Person 1: what

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

I should have stayed in kindergarten.

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?

*deletes my ex’s phone number*

k, weigh me now.

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

[Super Villain Team Tryouts]

COACH: Tell me what you can do

MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal

LOKI: I’m a god

THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!

At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

😂😂

COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.

“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th

I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.

Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.

A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?