Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.

me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?

therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good

hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what

This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.

I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore

The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.