Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!

me: but i want it

ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…

me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business

Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.

Me: Where? The basement?

Daughter: No, up in my room.

Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?

Daughter:

“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.

I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks

We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so