Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts

Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?

Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up

store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower

me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

friend saw this guy on the apps lol

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.

say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls

A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.

Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.

I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader