GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
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Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
The most precious boy
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.