GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
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yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
#milo
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode