god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
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MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
the clam before the storm
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Body by Oreos
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.