god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
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To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort