Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit

But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once

Bless you

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.

I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.

roman lesbians: *caesaring*

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.