Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.

Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions

me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy

judge: i meant questions about your life sentence

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.

listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time

My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

“my eye is up here”

-Illuminati pyramid

As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.

Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩

Coworker: …

Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances

Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.

When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent

Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.

I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.