Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

What I said: please stop letting flies in.

What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.

Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.

Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.

I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.

The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.

Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas

Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.

Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?

Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.

Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.