God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
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My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
this is the most humiliating day of my life
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Pretty much! 😂👀
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
We’ve all been there
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.