God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
You Might Also Like
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
A drum solo but on your face.
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.