God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
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me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
road rage
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.