God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
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I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
When life hands you women, make women laid.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals