‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
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Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
True?
