Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

oh u like geography? name every lake

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with

Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”

Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.

Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

happy mother’s day❤️

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse

If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders

Her: Well, I know I told you that.

Me: *closes eyes*

Her: What are you doing?

Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.

What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?

jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.

This is a genius move

At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.

The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.