‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
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Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.