Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.

Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*

Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.

[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”

When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

{asks friend for help with a draft}

*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’

Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”

Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

Essential viewing in these troubled times.

I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

ㅤ

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.