God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
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I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife