God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
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I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
A bold strategy
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
This made me chuckle.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Saw your ex at the shops
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.