God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
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Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
long lost
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games