God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
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They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???