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Are kids ever okay at all?😂
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes