God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
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Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!