This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
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o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Seas the day!!!!
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Nice try, poison.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried