Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.

putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

House for sale. Spider on ceiling.

Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING

I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

How does one answer this?

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

Seems a bit forward

I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.