God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
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How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
what are they serving at kfc then???
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]