God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
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Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
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Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Hmmmmmmm….
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Better luck next time champ
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring