God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
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It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
All my life lessons were learned by watching people who took my advice.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.