God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
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Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
He wanted to make sure😂
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
My sex drive has a dui
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize