God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
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Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*