Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

Throwing a Don’t Kill Yourself Dinner Party where everyone brings a dish so delicious that we remember why life is worth living

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.

Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.

UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over

Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭