Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”

even bears disappoint their mothers

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”