Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.

Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website

My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!

Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.

Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.

cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.

DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.

ME: No problemo.

DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.

ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”

Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.

Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.

Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth

Me: No way

Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?

Me: Yes, that sounds delightful

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates