Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?

Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.

Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.