God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
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If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.