@dave_cactus

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

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@SaltyCorpse

My son got a Country Boy sticker for his truck. I wrote “but I live on a golf course and I’m afraid of cows” under it bc I don’t like lies.

@DirtyySouthMess

I always thought I was attracted to men but this chick eating a Snickers on the elliptical has me questioning things.

@XplodingUnicorn

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

@IamJackBoot

The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.

@MeetingBoy

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

@Gen22

Are you busy?

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Nah

@OnlyFastEddie

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar