God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
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Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Haha! 😂
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.