God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
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[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.