God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
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[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
was Jim off killing horses or…
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
My current situation
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Why is no one talking about this?!
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.