God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
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[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Note to self: always read the final line
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
imagine getting destroyed like this
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial