God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
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Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Stop being racist to kettles.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
that lip filler tho
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
me after drinking all the wine:
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?