DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
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I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own