Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.

me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do

kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you

Me: *sighing* again?

Boss: again

Me: *spins his chair*

Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio

Till the neighbors start to mow

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me

My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.