Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1636707321479872512/pu/vid/720x960/P2eK7f10143wJTbL.mp4?tag=12

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.

An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.

Not my job 😂

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste

I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

me: do you gift wrap

drug dealer: what

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly