God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
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It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Noah
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations