God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
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love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
A dad and his duck
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.