God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
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sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
mathematically impossible
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.