God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
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I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack