Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”

Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.

Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?

Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

can’t talk my ride’s here

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

I went for a job interview.

The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”

“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

Board Game

10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!

Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*

10: *laughing* OMG!

Me: What?

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot

Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster

“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.

What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?

Sang to the radio on the way home today.

Got every word wrong.

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse

Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here