God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
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*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
groan^2
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
cyclists
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.