Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.

“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”

– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again

lumberjacks will cut a birch

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.

acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog

SCARY COSTUME

Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style

There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.