Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush

My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose

Me:

Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?

Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?

Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler

Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?

“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”

Credit: AndrewBloch

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later